How to Let Go of Guilt and Shame (2022)

Active addiction pushes us to do things we wouldn’t normallydo just to survive. When you’re addicted to something, you have to find a wayto get the thing you are addicted to, every day. It doesn’t matter how you getit or who you hurt in the process. All you can think about is getting your drugof choice. You feel compelled to meet your addiction’s needs no matter what thecost. To the addicted person, meeting that need is more important than eating,sleeping or any other basic need.

As a result of this obsession and compulsion, the addictoften does things that cause them guilt and shame. The addict relieves the painof guilt and shame by using more of their drug of choice. When the addictbegins the recovery process, these feelings of guilt and shame return. Theaddict is flooded with memories of the mistakes they made, the people they hurtand all the things they wish they could undo. But you can’t go back in time andchange what is done.

Of course, addicts aren’t the only people who feel guilt andshame. Everyone has done something in their lives that they have regretted.Everyone has said something hurtful or did something out of selfishness whichcaused another person pain. Therefore, anyone could benefit from learning tolet go of feelings of guilt and shame.

Why Do We Feel Guilt and Shame?

Guilt and shame serve an important purpose in our lives.Guilt is that little twinge you feel when you are about to do something youknow is wrong. Guilt is our conscience. Its purpose is to alert us that what weare about to do or what we are doing goes against our values. We all develop avalue system as we grow up. Much of it is instilled in us from our parents andsociety. Our value system is an internal set of beliefs that guide ourbehavior. When we are about to do something or actually do something that goesagainst this value system, we feel guilty. Guilt warns us that we need to stopand do something different.

(Video) How to Let Go of Guilt, Shame & Regret: Practical Advice & Tips | Wu Wei Wisdom

When we ignore our feelings of guilt and continue to do whatwe believe is wrong, we feel shame. Shame is when we internalize guilt andbegin to believe we are a bad person because we did something wrong and ignoredour feelings of guilt. The purpose of shame is to make us feel so bad that wetry to make right the wrongs we have committed. However, sometimes the shame isoverwhelming. It is so overwhelming that we try to hide what we have done. Ifothers discover the wrongs we have committed, our shame increases. Or we don’tknow how to right the wrong thing we have done. Instead of doing something to makeit right, we hide what we have done. We lie and cover up our wrongs. Hiding ourwrongs only leads to more guilt and shame.

Guilt and shame becomes a vicious cycle that goes somethinglike this. We do something wrong. We feel guilt. We do not correct the wrong.We feel shame. We lie and cover up what we have done. We feel more guilt andshame. This cycle is repeated over and over.

Breaking the Cycle of Guilt and Shame

  • Face our wrongs – Remember that guilt and shame become avicious cycle when we try to hide the wrongs we have done. One way to get outof the cycle is to own up to what we have done. Taking responsibility for thewrongs we have committed is a part of maturing and growing as a person.Admitting that you have made mistakes and done something wrong stops the cycleand frees us from our prison of guilt and shame. You can face your wrongs andtake responsibility by verbalizing what you have done and preparing yourself toaccept the consequences. Accepting the consequences for behavior is beingaccountable. It allows us to move to the next step.
  • Correct our wrongs – Finding a way to make up for what youhave done will help put an end to the cycle. We can’t always directly correct awrong. Some things that are broken cannot be fixed. However, you can alwaysfind something good to do for someone you have harmed or do something that isgood for society as a whole.
  • Asking for forgiveness – When someone forgives us for thewrongs we have committed, this will relieve much of our guilt and shame.However, we must be mindful that we are trying to better ourselves by askingfor forgiveness. Being a better person means not selfishly asking forforgiveness when doing so would hurt the person we want forgiveness from.Sometimes people are so hurt by our actions that they may not want to rememberor forgive the person who hurt them.
  • Forgiving ourselves – Whether the person we have hurtforgives us or not, guilt and shame may continue until we forgive ourselves forour own actions. Forgiving yourself completes the healing process and willrelieve any feelings of guilt or shame that remain.

How Do We Face Our Wrongs?

Start by going through each year of your addiction or yourlife in your mind with the purpose of recalling any memories that you associatewith feelings of guilt or shame.

  1. Write down everything that you believe you didwrong.
  2. Examine what value of yours you went against when you committed thewrong.
  3. Think about who was hurt by your actions.
  4. Consider both people who weredirectly hurt and indirectly hurt.
  5. Ask yourself why you committed the wrongact.
  6. Think about what you could have done differently.

Let’s go through an example of this process. I think backthrough the many years of my life and recall a time when I stole something froma store. Imagine the item stolen was not a necessity but a luxury item like cigarettes.

(Video) Letting Go of Guilt, Shame & Resentment - 4 Simple Questions | Coach Sean Smith

  • The value that was broken was my belief that it is wrong to steal. I was taughtthis as a child and I believe this as an adult.
  • The owner of the store wasfinancially hurt by this action.
  • Society was indirectly hurt by this actionbecause theft from stores raises prices for everyone.
  • Employees of the storemay have been hurt as well. Security for the store may have felt they did notdo a satisfactory job for not catching me. They may have even been reprimandedfor failing to stop the theft. Someone could have lost their job if the theftwas significant.
  • Customers in the store might havewitnessed the theft and been afraid.

Asyou can see, more people can be affected by our actions than we originallyrealize. I examine why I committed the act and determine I did it out of selfishness.I put my want for cigarettes above who could be affected. I determine I couldhave gone without cigarettes. I would have been uncomfortable but I could havesurvived it.

As a result of my processing the wrong I committed, I decidethat I will work on being less selfish. I will think of others' feelings and howthey will be affected by my actions. I make a conscious decision to bettermyself so I don’t commit this wrong again. The next time I think of stealingsomething, I remember how I processed the wrong and I choose not to steal anything.I have faced my wrong and taken action to correct it in the future. I makeevery attempt in life to stick to my value that stealing is wrong.

Thoroughly processing a wrong from your past can help younot avoid the same mistake in the future. Many times we have values because theywere taught to us as children. We never take the time to think about why wehold our values. We don’t think about whether we still believe in our values asadults. This kind of processing makes you examine your value system. It getsyou to see why you have the values that you have. By seeing why you keep thesevalues and what they really mean to you, you can renew your belief in them. Oryou may discover some values no longer hold true for you and you can discardthem. Either way, you will learn something important about yourself that willhelp you keep and maintain a value system.

Another exercise you can do to face your wrongs is to make alist of what your values are. Examine where your values came from (parents, other relatives, friends or society) and whichones you want to keep or discard. Then, think about which ones you have actedagainst in your life.

(Video) Understanding Guilt (Part 1 of 2: How to Let Go of Guilt ) - Teal Swan

How Can We Correct Our Wrongs?

Think about the wrong you committed and brainstorm ideas forhow to make up for it. Bounce your ideas off close friends and family.

  • If youstole something, you could give something to the person you stole from.
  • Youdon’t have to let the person know why you are making the gift if you believedoing so would harm them by stirring up the past. A gift could be madeanonymously.
  • You can make a gift to a charity they support instead of a directgift to the person.
  • You can also find ways to help the person whether they areaware of the reason or not.
  • You can offer to help them with work around theirhouse or volunteer to help them with anything they need.
  • If helping the persondirectly is not possible, you can volunteer your time to a relevant charity.For example, if the person loves animals, you can volunteer at a local animalshelter.

How to Ask for Forgiveness?

If you believe it would help the situation to directlyapproach the person to ask for forgiveness, set up a time to meet with theperson.

  1. Talk to them about the wrong you did to them. Explain why you believeit was wrong. If you believe they will understand, tell them why you did whatyou did. Be honest about what happened.
  2. Let them talk about how they feel aboutwhat happened and validate their feelings.
  3. Make a formal apology. Use the words“I’m sorry” or I apologize.” Follow your apology with the feeling theyexpressed related to the wrong committed. If they say they were hurt, you cansay, “I’m sorry I hurt you.” If they say they were angry, you can tell them,“I’m sorry my actions made you feel angry.”
  4. After you apologize you can askthem if there is anything you can do to make up for your actions.
  5. If you offerto make up for your actions, be prepared to follow through with what they askas long as it is within reason and would not hurt someone else.
  6. Should they askyou to do something that you feel uncomfortable with, be honest with them andexplain why you feel uncomfortable with it. If the action requested goesagainst your value system, simply tell them that it goes against your beliefs.You can offer to do something similar that is in line with your value system.

How Do We Forgive Ourselves?

Dwelling on the past will only keep you depressed and unableto enjoy your present life. It won’t change anything and will keep you frommoving forward. Try these exercises to let go of the past.

  • Talk therapyThe more you talk about something thathappened to you, the more it becomes something that happened in the past andless the present for you. You can talk about the past with a therapist, closefriend or family member. Let them know you want to talk about the wrong youcommitted until you attach less emotion to it and overcome the negativefeelings of guilt and shame associated with it.
  • Writing therapy – Writing works much like talk therapy. Youwrite about the past to process it and let go of the emotions associated withit. Write about what happened, how you feel about it, what beliefs wereviolated, who was hurt by your actions and anything else you feel is relevant.
  • Symbolic forgiveness – Write down on a piece of paper whatyou need to forgive yourself for. You can burn the paper as you imagine lettinggo of the past. Another type of this exercise is attaching the paper to ahelium balloon which you let go of as you imagine letting go of the past. Makethe decision to completely let go of the past. When thoughts of it do return toyou, remind yourself that it is the past and you have let it go.
  • Prayer and meditation – If you believe in a certain religion,follow the beliefs and ceremonies of that religion that relate to forgiveness.Pray for forgiveness according to your religious beliefs. Meditate onforgiveness.
  • Mindfulness meditation - Mindfulness meditation is a form of meditation that focuses on staying in the present moment. By learning mindfulness meditation you can learn to focus attention and awareness on the present moment. Focusing on the present moment will help you let go of the past. Forgiving yourself for past mistakes involves letting go of these past mistakes. You can let go by staying in the present moment.
  • Imagery – Meditate while practicing deep breathing. While ina relaxed state, use imagery to let go of the past. You can imagine the past asa dark cloud hovering over you. Meditate on the dark cloud which is your pastalong with the wrongs you have committed floating away from you. Continuemeditation until you can completely let the dark cloud leave you and dissipate.
  • Self-talk – Tell yourself that you are letting go of thepast so you can move forward in life. Every time you think of the past, remindyourself that you are letting go of the past. Tell yourself positiveself-statements like “I forgive myself” or “I am letting go.” You can also useimagery to imagine the past leaving you.

Living a Life Free of Guilt and Shame

To continue to live a life that is free of the feelings ofguilt and shame, acknowledge your value system. Review what you believe isright and wrong to solidify your value system. Once you are aware of yourvalues, let them guide your behavior. When situations arise and you are unsurewhat the correct thing to do is, consult your value system and act within theseguidelines. If you do not have a guideline for certain situations, think thesituation through thoroughly weighing the pros and cons of different courses ofaction. Talk to other people and find out how they would handle the situation.Once you determine the correct course of action, add this situation to yourvalue system. If a similar situation arises in the future, you will know whataction to take.

(Video) How to Forgive Yourself - Let go of guilt and shame (The TRUTH no one tells you!)

Should you act impulsively or without consulting your valuesystem and it results in behavior that is contrary to your values, correct thesituation as soon as you become aware of it. It can help to do a regular checkin to determine if you are acting in accordance with your values. Take the timeto evaluate your behavior and be aware of whether your actions are in line withyour beliefs.

Guilt and shame can be powerful emotions that can negativelyaffect our ability to move forward in life. Holding on to feelings of guilt andshame keeps us stuck in the past. In addiction recovery, they can lead torelapse. Addicts generally have difficulty, especially in early recovery,coping with any feelings that we perceive as negative. Until you developappropriate coping skills, it can seem like your only option is to cover upthese feelings by returning to your addiction. Facing these feelings,correcting our wrongs, asking for forgiveness and forgiving ourselves are waysto let go of the past so you can grow as a person and fully live in the presentmoment. Once we have done this, the guilt and shame will be resolved so wedon’t feel the need to return to our old coping skills of using substances tocover these feelings.

Also from Anna Deeds:

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FAQs

How do you cure shame and guilt? ›

Don't let guilt turn into shame. Forgive yourself.
...
The only way you will resolve the uncomfortable emotions you're experiencing is to forgive yourself.
  1. Own what you have done. ...
  2. Understand why you did it. ...
  3. Learn from your mistake. ...
  4. Make amends. ...
  5. Atone. ...
  6. Apply lessons learned. ...
  7. Forgive yourself.
3 Jun 2020

How do I let go of guilt and regret? ›

How to Forgive Yourself and Let go of Regrets
  1. Acceptance. Acknowledge that you are a human, and know that every human makes mistakes. ...
  2. Learn from mistakes. Try to learn from your mistakes. ...
  3. Take risks. Be willing to take risks. ...
  4. Visualize the future. Picture yourself free from guilt, regret, and self-condemnation.

How do you release yourself from guilt? ›

Here's how to overcome guilt and start practicing acceptance of yourself and others.
  1. Identify your feelings. Guilt is often a mask for other feelings, like inadequacy, low self-esteem or even jealousy or resentment. ...
  2. Forgive yourself. ...
  3. Change your self-talk. ...
  4. Seek objectivity. ...
  5. Take action. ...
  6. Learn from your mistakes.

How do I let go of past shame? ›

The Process of Letting Go of Shame
  1. Identify the Source. ...
  2. Acceptance. ...
  3. Challenge Your Thought Patterns. ...
  4. Forgive Yourself. ...
  5. Discover Your Self-Worth. ...
  6. Obtain Professional Help.
24 Sept 2021

Does guilt ever go away? ›

Most people experience guilt. Sometimes it doesn't fully go away. A person who makes a mistake may continue to feel guilt throughout life, even if they apologize, fix the damage, and are forgiven for the harm they caused. Therapy can help address these feelings.

What causes toxic shame? ›

There are many potential causes of toxic shame, most of which are rooted in childhood experiences, such as different forms of abuse, neglect, trauma, or an unstable living environment. Here is a comprehensive list of causes of toxic shame: Verbal, physical, and emotional abuse or neglect.

What mental illness causes guilt? ›

Excessive irrational guilt has been linked to mental illnesses, such as anxiety, depression, dysphoria (feelings of constant dissatisfaction) and obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD)2. It can cause sufferers to believe they're a burden to their loved ones and those around them.

How do I forgive myself for doing something terrible? ›

How to Forgive Yourself
  1. Focus on your emotions. ...
  2. Acknowledge the mistake out loud. ...
  3. Think of each mistake as a learning experience. ...
  4. Give yourself permission to put this process on hold. ...
  5. Have a conversation with your inner critic. ...
  6. Notice when you are being self-critical. ...
  7. Quiet the negative messages of your inner critic.

Why is it hard to let go of guilt? ›

Guilt can be a powerful motivator when used properly, but too much guilt is debilitating and paralyzes us from living our lives the way we want. What is this? If you let your guilty feelings take control, it's difficult to let go of guilt because you let yourself believe that you're not worthy of feeling good.

What are the signs of guilt? ›

These four tells are common signs of guilt.
  • They're Literally Hunched Over. Brains are wild. ...
  • They're Acting Suspiciously Good to You. Most people try to balance good and bad. ...
  • They Constantly Over-Justify Their Actions. ...
  • They React Out of Proportion if You Question Them.
9 Mar 2021

Why do I feel so much guilt? ›

Guilt is an emotion that comes from how your actions affect those around you. Most of us rely on our understanding of right and wrong — our conscience — to stay in line with our morals, ethics, and values. You may feel guilty when doing something that doesn't live up to your own standards and values.

How do you turn shame into confidence? ›

Overcome Shame and Restore Your Self-Esteem:
  1. Revisit your childhood. As painful as this might be, it's important to understand that shame is not your fault. ...
  2. Recognize your triggers. Pay attention to what triggers your feelings of shame. ...
  3. Practice self-compassion. ...
  4. Challenge your thoughts. ...
  5. Accept love and kindness.
11 Jan 2017

Why does regret hurt so much? ›

The reason why regret feels so awful is because, by its nature, it implies that there is something you could have done, some choice you could have made, or some action you might have taken that would have made something good happen or avoided something terrible.

What does God say about shame? ›

Her life will bring glory to God. Shame tells us that nothing good could come from our lives. It says once you're defiled by sin, you have no purpose before God but to be destroyed. Ashamed, Eve hid from the Lord, the One who created everything good.

Where is shame stored in the body? ›

According to Gerald Fishkin, a California-based psychologist and author of The Science of Shame, the experience of shame is connected with the limbic system. That's the part of the brain that influences the autonomic nervous system, which is responsible for the fight-or-flight response.

What is the root cause of shame? ›

Let's take a look at some of the potential causes of shame: Childhood trauma or neglect. Any mental health disorder that involves self-criticism or judgment (e.g., social anxiety disorder) Not living up to overly high standards that you set for yourself.

What are the three sources of shame? ›

Shame describes feelings of inadequacy created by internalized negative beliefs about oneself. Personal insecurities, secrets, mistakes, and perceived flaws can all trigger shame responses, causing people to become extremely self-conscious, self-critical, and embarrassed.

What are the three types of guilt? ›

There are three basic kinds of guilt: (1) natural guilt, or remorse over something you did or failed to do; (2) free-floating, or toxic, guilt—the underlying sense of not being a good person; and (3) existential guilt, the negative feeling that arises out of the injustice you perceive in the world, and out of your own ...

How does guilt affect the body? ›

Guilt and shame can lead to depression, anxiety, and paranoia, but they also nudge us to behave better, says Sznycer. “When we act in a way we are not proud of, the brain broadcasts a signal that prompts us to alter our conduct.”

What is the biggest regret in your life? ›

Here is a list of “biggest regrets” many people have: being less assertive, breaking up, carelessly choosing one's life partner, choosing work over family, comparing oneself with others, dreaming more than acting on things, engrossing in anger, giving high importance to possessions, lacking self-confidence, lingering ...

What are the 4 core regrets? ›

The 4 Major Kinds of Regret
  • Foundation Regrets. These regrets represent failures to be responsible, conscientious, or prudent, and they leave you thinking, “If only I had done the work.” A lot of finance- and health-related regrets are in this category. ...
  • Boldness Regrets. ...
  • Moral Regrets. ...
  • Connection Regrets.
18 Feb 2022

What do people regret as they get older? ›

The elders deeply regret worrying about things that never happened or things they had no control over. “Life is so short. What you will regret is weeks or months of the kind of mindless, self-destructive ruminating worrying that people do,” many told Pillemer. “You're going to wish you had that time back.”

How do you move on from unforgivable mistakes? ›

5 Ways to forgive yourself for something terrible
  1. Remind yourself of your good qualities. ...
  2. It was a mistake, not who you are. ...
  3. Embrace your imperfections. ...
  4. Let go of guilt so you can move forward. ...
  5. It doesn't mean you didn't care; it means you did care enough to try harder next time.
22 Apr 2021

Why is forgiving yourself so hard? ›

Some people find self-forgiveness hard because they do not permit it and continue wanting to suffer in remorse. They may interpret it as condoning themselves and allowing future hurtful acts. Self-forgiveness is also not the nature of narcissists and idealists, as they refuse to admit they have made mistakes.

How do you forgive and move on? ›

If you're truly sorry for something you've said or done, consider admitting it to those you've harmed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret, and ask for forgiveness — without making excuses. Remember, however, you can't force someone to forgive you. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time.

How does a guilty person act? ›

Being sensitive to the effects of every action. Overwhelmed by possibly making the “wrong” decision. Low self-esteem. Putting others before yourself until it's detrimental.

Can you have PTSD from guilt? ›

Conclusions: These laboratory findings indicate that feelings of guilt may lead to increased PTSD symptomatology, supporting the view that guilt experienced in reaction to a traumatic event may be part of a causal mechanism driving the development of PTSD.

What part of the brain causes guilt? ›

Specific activations were found for shame in the frontal lobe (medial and inferior frontal gyrus), and for guilt in the amygdala and insula.

What are the signs of shame? ›

Signs You Have Shame
  • Feeling sensitive.
  • Feeling unappreciated.
  • Uncontrollable blushing.
  • Feeling used.
  • Feeling rejected.
  • Feeling like you have little impact.
  • Being worried what others think about you.
  • Worrying that you aren't treated with respect.
27 May 2021

Why do we feel guilt and shame? ›

Like shame, guilt occurs when we transgress moral, ethical or religious norms and criticize ourselves for it. The difference is that when we feel shame, we view ourselves in a negative light (“I did something terrible!”), whereas when we feel guilt, we view a particular action negatively (“I did something terrible!”).

What mental illness causes guilt? ›

Excessive irrational guilt has been linked to mental illnesses, such as anxiety, depression, dysphoria (feelings of constant dissatisfaction) and obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD)2. It can cause sufferers to believe they're a burden to their loved ones and those around them.

Are shame and guilt the same thing? ›

You may sometimes confuse shame with guilt, a related but different emotion. Guilt is a feeling you get when you did something wrong, or perceived you did something wrong. Shame is a feeling that your whole self is wrong, and it may not be related to a specific behavior or event.

Where is shame stored in the body? ›

According to Gerald Fishkin, a California-based psychologist and author of The Science of Shame, the experience of shame is connected with the limbic system. That's the part of the brain that influences the autonomic nervous system, which is responsible for the fight-or-flight response.

What are the three sources of shame? ›

Shame describes feelings of inadequacy created by internalized negative beliefs about oneself. Personal insecurities, secrets, mistakes, and perceived flaws can all trigger shame responses, causing people to become extremely self-conscious, self-critical, and embarrassed.

How do you survive a shame? ›

How Do You Cope with Shame?
  1. Acknowledge Shame. The first step in dealing with shame is to acknowledge what you're feeling. ...
  2. Observe Shame Nonjudgmentally. When you are able to identify shame, try observing it without judgment. ...
  3. Is It Shame or Guilt? ...
  4. Is It Something Else? ...
  5. Develop Compassion for Yourself. ...
  6. Try Opening Up.
5 Jul 2022

How do you break a shame cycle? ›

Steps to Break the Shame Spiral
  1. Acknowledge Your Feelings. First, you have to recognize what you're feeling. ...
  2. Talk to Yourself Like a Friend. ...
  3. Get Grounded. ...
  4. Get Support from Someone You Trust. ...
  5. Take Action by Serving Someone Else. ...
  6. Be Kind to Yourself.
21 Dec 2021

What can guilt do to a person? ›

Guilt and shame can lead to depression, anxiety, and paranoia, but they also nudge us to behave better, says Sznycer. “When we act in a way we are not proud of, the brain broadcasts a signal that prompts us to alter our conduct.”

What are the three types of guilt? ›

There are three basic kinds of guilt: (1) natural guilt, or remorse over something you did or failed to do; (2) free-floating, or toxic, guilt—the underlying sense of not being a good person; and (3) existential guilt, the negative feeling that arises out of the injustice you perceive in the world, and out of your own ...

Why do I carry so much guilt? ›

Self. Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others: Guilt is often caused by a feeling of underperforming. When you are stressed, you are more likely to fall prey to such self-sabotaging thoughts. The first step to defeating guilt may be to take better care of yourself.

Why do I feel so much guilt? ›

Guilt is an emotion that comes from how your actions affect those around you. Most of us rely on our understanding of right and wrong — our conscience — to stay in line with our morals, ethics, and values. You may feel guilty when doing something that doesn't live up to your own standards and values.

How do I delete my shame? ›

Try these 5 tips the next time shame comes your way.
  1. Bring shame into the light.
  2. Untangle what you are feeling.
  3. Unhitch what you do from who you are.
  4. Recognize your triggers.
  5. Make connections.
13 Jan 2015

What does God say about shame? ›

Her life will bring glory to God. Shame tells us that nothing good could come from our lives. It says once you're defiled by sin, you have no purpose before God but to be destroyed. Ashamed, Eve hid from the Lord, the One who created everything good.

What is shame anxiety? ›

Shame is a toxic emotion that makes a depressed individual feel too worthless to get out of bed. It causes an anxious individual to avoid social events because they are afraid of drawing undue attention to their perceived flaws.

Videos

1. Dealing with Shame & Guilt || How To Forgive Yourself
(Dr. Michelle Daf)
2. IGBEP14-Letting Go: Guilt and Shame
(iGetBetter Podcast)
3. Russell Brand On Dealing With Guilt!
(Russell Brand)
4. How to Let Go of Guilt (Part 2 of 2: How to Let Go of Guilt) - Teal Swan
(Teal Swan)
5. Overcoming Guilt & Shame
(VictoryATL)
6. Press Past Guilt and Shame | Joyce Meyers 2020
(JM Prayer)

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